Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
