i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
