somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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