just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
