i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
