Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
