i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
