can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
