you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize