I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
