My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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