"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
