Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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