if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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