I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize