the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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