apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
