Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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