I checked into jail on foursquare
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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