When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
