wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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