I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
