I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
