I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
