I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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