If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
