that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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