Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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