I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
