My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
