it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
