I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
