Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
