the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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