Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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