Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
