if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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