i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
