Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
3 2 1 whiskey
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
