god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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