well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
