I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
