I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize