I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
