end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
