please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
