Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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