Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
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