my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
