Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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