You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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