i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
