his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
