Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
