Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
