Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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