i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
