My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I didn't notice because vodka
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
