Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
