If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
