Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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