Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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