I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
