Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
