I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
