I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
