dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
