It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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