Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
