there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
